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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS
MY FULL STORY

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The person who abused me for 6 years went on to sexually assault another woman after me. If you have found me because you, too, are another victim of the same perpetrator, and you would also like to file a report, please do not hesitate to contact me so I can connect you to the detective who took the other reports. 

This year I am joining The California Partnership to End Domestic Violence, California’s recognized domestic violence coalition, representing over 1,000 advocates, organizations and allied groups. Working at the state and national levels for nearly 40 years, the Partnership has a long track record of successfully passing over 200 pieces of legislation addressing domestic violence. They will be providing me with training to become a certified domestic violence counselor. Every day they inspire, inform and connect all those concerned with this issue, because together we’re stronger. I will be joining them by providing somatic movement classes and therapeutic massage to domestic violence shelters in Southern California and Guatemala. 

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If you would like to donate to help me continue this work, I will be accepting donations on Venmo to @OurSacredSpaceRiverside and Zelle 951-901-0608

please include a note that says: domestic violence outreach

Table of contents:

1. The reason why I share:
2. The beginning
3. Phase two: the confusion
4. The moment the mask first came off
5. Once he had me in his home (the bulk of the abuse)
6. The final chapter
7. The aftermath
8.Resources

The reason why I share...

Abuse thrives in the secrecy. The shame of victims and survivors thrives in the dark. I will take every opportunity I can to bring light to this problem because I almost died in secrecy. I will take every opportunity to speak on this because I know there are so many women who will read my experience and feel less alone in theirs. I share because the stories of others played a big role in opening my eyes and saving my life.

 

I share because I remember feeling like I would never reach a place of peace and health again. And I want to show those drowning in those fears that though it will be painful to escape and heal: You can not only rebuild yourself, but you can flourish. There is true healing, joy, peace and health that you CAN find again. 

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I share because I once believed that it could NEVER happen to me. I was naive to the reality of how sneaky this problem is. My hope is to open the eyes of as many people as possible in this lifetime to prevent more of this from taking place.

 

Though I share specific examples of my ex abusers behaviors and what I personally went through, my intention with the posts on this topic isn’t focused on bringing attention to my ex abuser personally. He is just a copy and paste version of abusers throughout the world. Unfortunately, this problem is much bigger than just one person. This is very real, prevalent problem in our society, has probably impacted somebody in your immediate circle, and I pray never impacts you personally. I share because i truly believe, with all of my heart, that this topic needs to reach as many people as possible.

 

The following is a graphic and detailed description of my personal experience with domestic violence. Some of it may be triggering. Everyone’s story is unique, but so many abusers use the same techniques. It is difficult to include every single detail of 6 full years, but I have done my best to include as much as possible. There is a summary version of each section for those who only need a summary, and a more detailed descriptive version of each session for those who could benefit from more details. I pray this helps educate those with no knowledge on the topic, and helps validate and affirm the nature of the situation for those who currently find themselves in it or recently escaped. 

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Resources shared at the very end. 

Summary

The Beginning: Year 1

CH is charming and charismatic. He appears to be a sensitive, caring person. When i met him he was trying to figure out his future, claimed to always want to do the same work i did. Began school to do the same thing. Spoke highly of his ex. Took accountability for the wrongdoings he did in that relationship. Was very interested in getting to know me deeply. He told me about his traumatic childhood. I told him all about my trauma. He found a way to subtly begin the trauma bond by manipulating me to feel questionable and appearing to be afraid to move forward with me. He would pull away and come back consistently throughout the beginning and i found myself trying to prove myself to him. I didn’t know this then, but this is enough to begin a trauma bond. He was already living a double life and lying but it was impossible to tell then. I’m clumsy and tend to drop things and bump into people. The only sign of aggression he showed was shouting “fuck” when i would drop something or bump into him. But he would quickly get himself together back to his kind normal self. He seemed to be emotionally intelligent and like he had a good control on his emotions. I didn’t realize that those seconds of outburst caused my body to physiologically respond by beginning to walk on eggshells. In writing, the redflags are obvious, but he was so charismatic and loving the majority of the time that those moments seemed like just moments of normal human imperfection.​

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I met CH at a festival i was working at. I was 3 years in the field of providing trauma informed body work and classes. I worked out of my home, festivals, and a massage establishment. I was providing massage at this event. He was providing a sound bath. When we met it felt like a divine connection before we even spoke to each other. He stared deeply into my eyes when he introduced himself. It felt like he was in awe of me. The remainder of that day he continued to watch me and stare deeply at me. We spent some time together after the soundbath and i felt so drawn to what a charismatic, sensitive, caring person he seemed to be and we connected on social media. 

 

At the time, I lived with the my two children and their father. Two years prior, we had ended our romantic relationship. Though we didn't work out as a couple, we both prioritized the children and got along okay as friends, so we decided to continue living together in separate sleeping spaces. Just one month before meeting CH, my home partner and I had began exploring the idea of working things out again. Meeting CH brought up feelings i hadn’t felt in a very long time. I immediately told my home partner when returning from the festival, and i brought up the idea of polyamory. I was attracted to this lifestyle because Polyamory is based on principles of choice, intention, transparency, mutual respect, community and the idea that people can love more than one person at a time. I also spoke to CH about my feelings on polyamory. Both men shared that they were open to the idea of exploring the lifestyle and we all began reading the same books, my home partner and I began seeing a counselor that specializes in polyamory, and the two of them met. I knew that i wanted to take things very slowly with CH, and he was respectful of that. 

 

On our first date out together, he shared that he was coming out of a complicated relationship, clearing out his debt, was working in his fathers home remodeling business but was unhappy and trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his career. He said he always wanted to do the work that i do. He held a deep respect for the earth, plant medicine, women and trauma. He shared that he held mushroom ceremonies for women. He did not speak negatively about his ex. In fact, it was the opposite. He spoke very highly of her and took accountability for his wrong doings in the relationship. He asked me a lot of questions. Was very interested in getting to know me deeply. We spent hours talking and i shared some of my deepest traumas with him. He also shared his with me. He talked about many of his past mistakes and how he turned himself around. I told him what i dreamed of in a partner. He stared at me with so much awe. 

 

The remainder of the year we continued to get to know each other. Spent hours every day texting and talking on the phone. He began his massage therapy schooling. He was a gentleman and respectful of how slowly i wanted to take things physically. He told me about 2 other women he was seeing. He was supportive of my processing. We used the tools we were learning in the books. My home partner and I continued to also date and see our counselor. 

 

Throughout the progression of our polyamory journey, it began to become evident the lifestyle was hurting my home partner. The decision was made to end the relationship and I began looking for my own apartment. CH completed his massage therapy training. I found a small office to rent and grow my clientele and CH and i decided to share the work space. I found an apartment and i moved out. 

 

What was impossible to know then was that CH was already living a double life. He was seeing a lot more women in secret then what he claimed. He was seeing escorts, had an incident with an STD scare, an accidental pregnancy and abortion, and more. But i didn’t find out this information until years later. 

Summary

Phase two: the beginning of confusion

Year two our connection strengthened. It felt like nobody understood me like he did and he said the same about me. We became “best friends.” We were very affectionate. We were both very physically attracted to each other. But his need for more continued to intensify. CH began to place a lot of pressure to move quickly into enmeshing our lives together. It didn’t feel fast, because we had one full year prior where he was patient with me wanting to take things slow. We spent all of my free time together, he began to spend a lot of time with my children, we began to work together, we opened up a business together, and then we began looking for a house to buy together. He had already manipulated me into constantly needing to prove my love to him. Any hesitation or nervousness that i showed to enmesh our lives was used against me. This is the year where i began to feel confusion for the first time. Our disagreements felt like being spun around quickly. My intuition alarm bells were going off but i had nowhere to place it on. I noticed that I was beginning to act out of character. I was becoming dysregulated during our disagreements, often crying and yelling. Normal communication didn’t seem to be working. This is when i began to do research as to what was wrong WITH ME. I began following relationship advice pages. I began wondering if i have attachment issues. This year is when he also begins to show more moments where he was cold and distant. I thought it was because of me. This year is also when he first showed the beginning of very subtle, covert physical abuse: grabbing my leg and throwing it aggressively to the side as i was laying down. 

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After moving into my own apartment, things progressed very quickly. I was already one year into this relationship with CH who gave me no reason not to trust him. He had built a foundation of being a man who loved me, was dedicated to me, and was trustworthy. In a very loving tone, he brought up ending polyamory and being monogamous with each other. That made me so happy to simplify life and just focus on pouring all of our love on to each other. I was head over heels in love. But very quickly I noticed that I was feeling very confused when we argued. The arguments felt like brief moments of being spun around quickly. Our arguments circled around about me proving my love to him. He was continuing to use the polyamory against me. But his intensity of accusations was escalating. I felt like i wasn’t being understood. Normal communication wasn’t working. And i was beginning to yell and become emotionally dysregulated during disagreements. I wasn’t yelling insults. I was screaming about being misunderstood. I was screaming and crying about how much i loved him, that i was an honest person, that i had never lied to him. I thought this was a ME issue. I thought i was somehow letting him down. I felt bad for his inner child who didn’t receive love. I began researching communication techniques and attachment theory. I was desperate to get better at loving him. I thought i was being defensive. I read spiritual posts about relationships being a reflection of your shadows. I thought this was “my shadows” and that i needed to work through them. Screaming is completely out of my character as i am typically a pretty soft spoken person. I thought that the screaming i was doing must mean i really, really care for fighting to save this relationship. 

 

The pressure to progress the relationship quickly began in this time of our lives. After our first initial year of dating, he was able to meet my children. But this wasn’t enough. He wanted more time and expressed not feeling like a real family. He was always at our apartment. At first only when my children werent home, but soon he was staying the night even when they were there. He complained that we didn’t spend enough time together and that he wasn’t getting any clients at the office we were renting. So i helped him get a job at the massage establishment i was working at. I also helped him get work out of the community centers i was working out of. We began working the same shifts at the massage establishment. 

The confusing arguments of proving myself continued and very, very slowly escalated, but so did our connection. His expression of love grew. Our friendship grew. We began to do more fun and enjoyable outings. Our connection strengthened. It felt like nobody understood me like he did and he said the same about me. We became “best friends.” We were very affectionate. We were both very physically attracted to each other. But his need for more continued to intensify. Instead of just sharing a workspace we both rented and working out of the same establishment, he wanted to come together and own a business. He also wanted to come together and own a house. When i showed any nervousness to emmesh, i would end up crying and desperate to prove my love to him again. We began moving forward with both processes. 

 

As we began to move forward with these processes, he began to sometimes grow cold and withdrawn. I tried to communicate but it would upset him. He would tell me that he wasn’t acting cold or withdrawn, and then would be angry at me for “accusing him” of acting withdrawn. My intuition was ringing alarms but there was nothing for me to place it on. 

 

This time period was when he began to show physical aggression, but it was subtle and i didnt know that it was the beginning of physical abuse. We went to dinner to celebrate the completion of the construction for our wellness center. We were happy and enjoying our dinner, but in a split second his entire mood changed to cold, irritable and quiet. I didnt understand what had gone wrong. I begged him to communicate with me. But he refused. We had a silent remainder of our dinner and on our drive back to the house he shared that he was irritable because he missed his ex girlfriend. I was shocked, confused and taken aback by what he had just said, but he became increasingly angry over me not immediately comforting him. When we got home i went straight to bed, and when he came to bed he grabbed my leg and aggressively threw it to the side. I was upset and spoke up to let him know that was no okay, but he excused it as he was just trying to get me to move over. I didn’t recognize this as physical abuse. 

 

We are now working together at the other massage establishment and legally share the wellness center. He continued to also work in home remodeling. 

 

His parents lent us the downpayment money for a house and our search for a home began. CH encouraged me to pick the house of my dreams. The house where i could envision us growing old in and growing a forever family. We found it and the process began. Our plan was to split the mortgage, bills, and payments. My name was not added to the paperwork and was promised to be added shortly after we moved out. He also promised a proposal. Promised to take moving in together as seriously as i was. I thought he would see how serious i was about our relationship and about our family, and i hoped his worries, fears and doubts about me would change.

Summary

THE MOMENT THE MASK CAME COMPLETELY OFF

The first time i caught CH having an affair and soliciting escorts was the first time he showed me his very scary, dangerous, and aggressive side. I wanted to get out of the relationship after this and was overwhelmed with how we were going to handle the enmeshment of the legally shared wellness center. I didn’t know that the previous 2 years had already formed the trauma bond. I wasn’t prepared for the manipulation that followed and i wasn’t prepared for how difficult it would be to tell him no. I was met with CH being extremely emotional and apologetic, blaming the illness of sexual addiction formed by childhood trauma, claiming that he only met up with the other woman this once, and crying out for help. Unless you have been through this, it is difficult to understand how one would stay after that incident. It is difficult to understand even while you are in it. I felt deep shame in myself for not leaving, and i felt shame for having shame because i thought that was betrayal to him. And unfortunately, the bandwidth for the mistreatment you allow keeps stretching once you are in a trauma bond. That’s when i truely began losing myself. His explosions continued. He learned the term betrayal trauma and began using it against me. I was once again the problem because i had betrayal trauma. And because my body began to react to the abusive relationship, i believed that i was the one un-well. At this point i had a stress rash all over my body. My arms looked like i was a burn victim. I had insomnia. I would pace endlessly. I felt that i was the one who was mentally unstable. And all at the same time, his expressions of love continued to grow. He spoke highly of me to everyone. Showed me off to his family and friends. Always took such good care of me when i was sick. Would leave work to tend to me. Took me out on dates. Was a gentleman on our dates. Felt like my protector and would rush to my rescue whenever i needed him. Continued to make promises to better himself. Expressed great appreciation for my patience with him and for not giving up on us. Had big plans for our future. And we moved forward with moving into the home of my dreams. 

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Detailed description includes a detailed description of his first explosion and may be triggering to read.

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Since moving into my own apartment, i had almost no time to myself. CH seemed to always be there. With his increasingly intense mood swings, i was tired and craving a night to myself in my apartment. After work, I expressed this. He was very angry. But i stood my ground on my need for an evening to myself. Once at home, i felt an overwhelming intuitive pull to look through his tablet that had been at my house that whole year. When i opened it a message appeared from a women saying “i’m here.” I went on to read messages that revealed his affair with this other woman. I also opened up other messages between him and a friend where they were both shopping around for escorts. I messaged him right away and told him to forget about moving forward with the home and that we were done. I sat on a chair in my living room to cry and process. A few hours later he let himself into my apartment, stood in the living room, looked at me with anger and said, “well?” I responded, “well what? Shouldn’t you be the one walking in here with an explanation?” He raced towards me like an enraged bull, placed his hands on the arm rests of the chair i was sitting on, brought his face directly in front of mine and began screaming “you are a crazy bitch!!!” He continued to scream but the words weren’t being processed by my brain. I felt his strength and I was trapped underneath him as he continued to scream so close to my face that the droplets of his saliva were landing on mine. I was frozen in fear and i prepared and braced myself for what i thought was going to be the first time a man hit me. After holding me trapped underneath him he made a mess of my apartment looking for his tablet. And then he blocked the door with his body as he sobbed and apologized. and he slept blocking the door so i couldn’t leave. We both had a shared shift at the massage establishment the following morning. 


I knew i wanted out of the relationship. But not only did we work at the same place, we had now also opened up a shared business together with a 3 year contract. I knew i would have to face him soon to have a discussion on figuring it all out. I set the meeting date and i was expecting myself to end it then. But i didn’t know that the previous 2 years had already formed the trauma bond. I wasn’t prepared for the manipulation that followed and i wasn’t prepared for how difficult it would be to tell him no. I was met with CH being extremely emotional and apologetic, blaming the illness of sexual addiction formed by childhood trauma, and crying out for help. We agreed to both get help. Him for addiction and me for support of partners with addiction. 

 

Unless you have been through this, it is difficult to understand how one would stay after that incident. It is difficult to understand even while you are in it. I felt deep shame in myself for not leaving, and i felt shame for having shame because i thought that was betrayal to him. And unfortunately, the bandwidth for what you allow once in a trauma bond keeps stretching. That’s when i truely began losing myself. It wasn’t the last time he called me a Bitch. The accusations against be began to get more absurd. And he wasn’t getting help. He learned the term betrayal trauma and began using it against me. I was once again the problem because i had betrayal trauma. And because my body began to react to the abusive relationship, i believed that i was the one un-well. At this point i had a stress rash all over my body. My arms looked like i was a burn victim. I had insomnia. I would pace endlessly. I felt that i was the one who was mentally unstable. And all at the same time, his expressions of love continued to grow. He spoke highly of me to everyone. Showed me off to his family and friends. Always took such good care of me when i was sick. Would leave work to tend to me. Took me out on dates. Was a gentleman on our dates. Felt like my protector and would rush to my rescue whenever i needed him. Continued to make promises to better himself. Expressed great appreciation for my patience with him and for not giving up on us. Had big plans for our future. And we moved forward with moving into the home of my dreams. 

Summary

ONCE HE HAD ME IN HIS HOME: The bulk of the abuse

We moved into the home of my dreams. My children were also promised that this was their forever home. While unpacking, i discovery the extent of CH’s double life with escorts and other women. I also learned then that he had been living a double life and discussed women like he hated them and like they were mere objects. But i felt so trapped. I began to struggle with body dysmorphia. Financial abuse began. Fighting escalated and happened at night, keeping me up at night in state of severe confusion and emotional dysregulation. He also began to have more mood swings. I began to recognize the warning signs of “the shift” taking place. His eyes would grow increasingly dark, sometimes with no apparent reason at all. I learned to walk on eggshells around that version of him because i didn’t want him to get explosive.  He became increasingly more bold in his insults, sometimes videoing me as he continued to torment me. 

 

And at the same time, these years he continued to grow his show of love and affection towards me. We began having bigger vacations. We got along great when were on vacations. He took incredible care of me whenever i was sick. He was not at all explosive when my children were home. He was incredibly helpful around the house. We shared cleaning and cooking responsibilities and he was happy to do it. We were affectionate and never lacking in intimacy and physical expressions of love. He kept painting the idea of a future of growing old together. He landscaped the home however i wanted. He turned the garage into my dream workout space. He would build me anything i wanted. He spoke highly of me to other people. He spoke strongly against men who hurt women, about human traficking, men in loving relationships who seek out escorts. He would talk about his “friends” who lived double lives. How he hated what they did. He took pride in being my “protector.” He took a strong stance in protecting me from the dangerous men in the world and helping me feel safe. He placed cameras all over our wellness center and home, purchased guns to protect our home, would accompany me every time i went to the gym, would stay at the wellness center every time i worked late. (in hindsight, its clear to see the level of control, but in the moment it truly felt like “protection.”) Everyone admired our relationship. People often told me how lucky i was to have such a sensitive, caring, and affectionate partner. His relationship with my youngest child got stronger. I began to see him as two split people. The loving him who was the man of my dreams and who loved me, and the the scary explosive him who sometimes acted like he hated me but was hurting and broken. 

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No matter what I did to try and meet his needs, it was never enough. What he wanted kept changing. And the arguments got more and more bizarre.

 

The lack of sleep plus constant mental and verbal abuse began to greatly impact my physical health. I began having heart palpitations, ptsd flashbacks of his aggression along with things i had seen on his phone, feeling like i was walking in a dream state (severe disassociation), bladder infections, the rash continued to rage through my body, blood clotting, memory loss that i thought was ADHD. I thought something was severely wrong with me. I began searching for a psychiatrist. I was in and out of the hospital. CH was the one who would always take me. 

 

At this point, I also recognized something was wrong with CH. I knew his behavior wasn’t normal, but i didn’t recognize it as abuse. I began to obsessively try to figure out what was ailing him so that i could help him and so that i could figure out if it was best for me to leave. Internally I questioned if he was bipolar or borderline personality disorder and if he needed support and professional guidance. Internally I questioned if it was severe unhealed trauma. Internally I questioned if it was attachment issues. Internally i questioned if he was just lacking on healthy coping mechanisms. Internally i questioned if he was struggling adjusting to being a father figure and head of a household. Internally I questioned if he was using drugs. Internally i questioned if this was normal behavior of an addict trying to stay off of using. Internally I questioned if he was a narcissist or a sociopath, but felt incredibly guilty for everytime those crossed my mind. Internally i questioned if he was aware of his mistreatment, and whether or not he was in control of the explosive episodes. Internally I questioned if it was because I was the one who was unstable. I continued to read relationship advice. I didn’t want to give up on him. I thought that all people had imperfections and strong couples didnt give up on each other.

 

I began seeing a mental health therapist who was incredible in slowly and gradually getting me to see the reality and seriousness of my situation. I also started secretly attending a pole dancing class where i built community and built back my self esteem. 

 

He went from verbal, mental and emotional abuse to physical abuse, but because he squeezed me with all his strength and didn’t hit me, it was difficult for me to recognize it as physical abuse. 

 

My health declined quickly. I spoke out for the first time and wasn’t believed, further sending me into a downward spiral. I experienced a psychotic break down. I lost my ability to speak with ease and struggled with basic functions like swallowing my own saliva. I revealed that i was educating myself with videos and he began to do the same.  He began to accuse me of being an abuser. He accused me of “re-writing history.” He was learning terms and gaslighting me to believe i was gaslighting him. This continued to jumble my brain and push me into a deeper state of confusion. 

 

We began couples therapy. But in couples therapy i was the one who was clearly un-regulated. I came to couples therapy shaking and crying, pleading for help. He was calm and collected, saying he really just wanted to get me help. And our couples therapist believed him. He also joined a mens accountability group. And started seeing an individual therapist. He learned more terms and different ways to continue to manipulate me. And i believe his confidence to get away with all of it grew. 

 

Desperate for clarity, I found a way to contact his previous long term partner.  She understood completely. And she shared that what finally got her to leave was that he hit her. Then came the day he hit me, but again it was done in a very confusing way where he claimed not to remember. My therapist helped me make a plan for moving. I began to secretly save money and to disentangle our lives. This wasn’t easy. And he was very angry. And he also began to pressure me for a child. He wanted a baby so that the baby could love him unconditionally. He wanted a baby that he could raise from birth. But I refused. This continued to anger him. My individual therapist kept me as sane as possible in my situation. She gently helped me create a plan. And with her help, I moved out after over 3 years of living together in abuse. But i moved out still trauma bonded, still not fully sure if it was abuse or him struggling wtih his mental health. I moved out still as a couple, with the intention of both of us getting help and hope of coming back to our home.

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the detailed description below includes detailed descriptions of examples of mental, emotional, financial, and physical abuse and may be triggering to read:

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We moved into the house of my dreams. The kids were super excited. They were also told that this was their forever home. We take photos of them being the first ones to open the front door with our home key. The home has a small backhouse and we rented it out to an older lady friend of mine. CH was still working at the massage establishment and in home remodeling. He was often away from home and didn’t have the time to unpack his boxes, and he asked if i could help do that. As i was unpacking his boxes I found an old phone of his. I always felt bothered with myself for not seeing the full extent of his conversations when i had looked through the tablet, so i plugged in the phone and looked through it. That’s where i learned the extent of his soliciting of escorts and the relationship with the other women. It was much more then what he had claimed when confronted before moving in together. The extent of messages with escorts, the way he spoke about women with his friends, and the content on his phone made me feel disturbed and sick to my stomach. I learned then that he had been living a double life from the very beginning of when i met him and how he discussed women was nothing like the caring sensitive person i thought he was. But i felt so trapped. I’m looking at all this information as i sit in the floor of our brand new shared family home my children are so thrilled about, surrounded by unpacked boxes. I confronted him when he got home. I told him i was going to give him one, and only one, opportunity to come completely clean about what he was secretly doing up until then. He became very emotional and came clean. He confessed to everything i had found and more. He blamed his trauma. Promised change. Begged me not to leave the home we were just beginning to build. And i stayed. 

 

What i had seen on his phone began to replay over and over again in my head. My self confidence was shattered. I started trying to make changes to my body through the food i was eating and supplements i was taking. I slowly began to hate looking at myself in the mirror and then i was unable to recognize myself in the mirror at all. I would stand in front of the mirror trying to understand what i was seeing but there was a big disconnect and disassociation that took place every time i stood in front of the mirror. 

 

CH also began to financially abuse me immediately after moving in together. We split all the bills, repayments to his parents, mortgage. Everything was 50/50. And he began to print out a weekly list of miscellaneous expenses for me to also pay 50/50. This list included meals out, movie rentals, dates, purchases etc. CH was working in home remodeling and in the massage establishment, making significantly more money than me. I felt like i was running on a hamster wheel constantly paying him back, never having any money left over. Whenever i’d try to bring up the idea of splitting the expenses by a different percentage based on our incomes, he would manipulate the conversation by accusing me of being a gold digger. He used the same argument every time i brought up filling out the forms to add my name to the house. He knew about my self esteem struggling, and he would use these opportunities to physically insult me. My only source of income was the wellness center. Because this was a shared legal business, he also had access to the business bank account. So he had access to everything i was making. CH was almost never at the wellness center. He didn’t have a growing clientele and did not financially contribute to that account. However, my clientele began quickly growing. Eventually the lists stopped and we just “shared finances.” I trusted him to use the bank account and my contribution to help pay all of the bills. And even though I was now working full time and contributing significantly to our shared income, we continued to struggle financially and were often negative in our account. I will never know what he was spending my income on. But i was blinded and unable to see this at the time. 

 

The fighting escalated significantly in the shared house. And often times, the fighting happened at night, keeping me up at night in state of severe confusion and emotional dysregulation. I became obsessed with looking through his phone. I often found upsetting things. The fights often began with me bringing up anything new that i had found or hurt feelings from previous betrayals. He would find a way to manipulate the argument and leave me in sheer confusion. He also began to have more mood swings. I began to recognize the warning signs of “the shift” taking place. His eyes would grow increasingly dark, sometimes with no apparent reason at all. I learned to walk on eggshells around that version of him because i didn’t want him to get explosive.  He became increasingly more bold in his insults, sometimes videoing me as he continued to torment me. 

 

And at the same time, these years he continued to grow his show of love and affection towards me. We began having bigger vacations. We got along great when were on vacations, no fighting at all. He took incredible care of me whenever i was sick. He was not at all explosive when my children were home. He was incredibly helpful around the house. We shared cleaning and cooking responsibilities and he was happy to do it. We were affectionate and never lacking in intimacy and physical expressions of love. He kept painting the idea of a future of growing old together. He landscaped the home however i wanted. He turned the garage into my dream workout space. He would build me anything i wanted. He spoke highly of me to other people. He spoke strongly against men who hurt women, about human traficking, men in loving relationships who seek out escorts. He would talk about his “friends” who lived double lives. How he hated what they did. He took pride in being my “protector.” He took a strong stance in protecting me from the dangerous men in the world and helping me feel safe. He placed cameras all over our wellness center and home, purchased guns to protect our home, would accompany me every time i went to the gym, would stay at the wellness center every time i worked late. (in hindsight, its clear to see the level of control, but in the moment it truly felt like “protection.”) Everyone admired our relationship. People often told me how lucky i was to have such a sensitive, caring, and affectionate partner. His relationship with my youngest child got stronger. 

 

I began to see him as two split people. The loving him who was the man of my dreams and who loved me, and the the scary explosive him who sometimes acted like he hated me but was hurting and broken. 

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He grew jealous and angry over any days that were special to me. He once told me that the reason why he was so angry one week was because I was going to celebrate mothers day and that he didn't get to have his own celebration that day. I noticed the level of irritability surrounding my birthdays and learned to walk even more so on eggshells during those days. 

​

No matter what I did to try and meet his needs, it was never enough. What he wanted kept changing.  For example, he accused me of constantly interrupting him but when I stopped he accused me of not being engaged enough. He was enraged when I started training with a physical trainer, accusing me of very specific sexual acts in a park. To ease his anxieties I stopped training with the personal trainer, and CH was then enraged that I quit. After catching him so often engaging with other women, I asked him if maybe it would just be better to go back to an open relationship. He treated me even mentioning that as a bigger betrayal than his actual affairs. I tried everything I could think of. I approached him from every angle, but the fights he would pick got more and more bizarre and there was no finding peace during his abusive episodes. 

​

The lack of sleep plus constant mental and verbal abuse began to greatly impact my physical health. I began having heart palpitations, ptsd flashbacks of his aggression along with things i had seen on his phone, feeling like i was walking in a dream state (severe disassociation), bladder infections, the rash continued to rage through my body, blood clotting, memory loss that i thought was ADHD. 

 

I thought something was severely wrong with me. I began searching for a psychiatrist. I wanted to be diagnosed so that i can be given medication to feel better. I was in and out of the hospital. CH was the one who would always take me. At this point, I also recognized something was wrong with CH. I knew his behavior wasn’t normal, but i didn’t recognize it as abuse. I began to obsessively try to figure out what was ailing him so that i could help him and so that i could figure out if it was best for me to leave. Internally I questioned if he was bipolar or borderline personality disorder and if he needed support and professional guidance. Internally I questioned if it was severe unhealed trauma. Internally I questioned if it was attachment issues. Internally i questioned if he was just lacking on healthy coping mechanisms. Internally i questioned if he was struggling adjusting to being a father figure and head of a household. Internally I questioned if he was using drugs. Internally i questioned if this was normal behavior of an addict trying to stay off of using. Internally I questioned if he was a narcissist or a sociopath, but felt incredibly guilty for everytime those crossed my mind. Internally i questioned if he was aware of his mistreatment, and whether or not he was in control of the abusive episodes. Internally I questioned if it was because I was the one who was unstable. I continued to read relationship advice. I didn’t want to give up on him. I thought that strong couples didnt give up on each other.

 

I began seeing a mental health therapist who was incredible in slowly and gradually getting me to see the reality and seriousness of my situation. I also started secretly attending a pole dancing class where i built community and built back my self esteem. 

 

The first time i really demanded that he get help, he accused me of seeing someone else. He came into the bed where i was laying down and began squeezing me with all his strength. Much like the first time the mask came off, I froze. I felt the physical strength and power he had over my body in that moment. I knew that if i fought i could potentially be in much more danger. 

 

The following morning I fainted for the first time. And my health began to more rapidly decline with mystery symptoms the hospitals couldn’t figure out. My hands and feet would swell. My toes were turning purple and it was becoming increasingly difficult to stand on my feet. I thought i had severe ADHD. I was incredibly forgetful. The dissociation was at an all time high. I was experiencing an exhaustion that seemed to be incurable with rest. When alone, i often times would let my body collapse and my mouth hang wide open because even holding my mouth close was excruciatingly difficult to do. I confided in the woman renting the back house, and she didn’t believe me. She said she had heard that i was a jealous person. She said CH would never hurt me. I began wishing he would blatantly punch me because the damage he was doing was so difficult to explain. I began wishing that my body would just give up and i would die. And i was riddled with shame and guilt for thinking this because i wanted nothing more than to be strong for my daughters. I began thinking that maybe i was so crazy and mentally unwell that my daughters would be better off without me. 

 

Struggling for answers, I booked an appointment with a holistic doctor who came highly recommended. Like always, he took me to the appointment. The holistic doctor looked at the both of us, and asked me to come in alone. After some discussions and tests, she asked me if i was being abused by the person sitting in the lobby. I struggled to find an answer. I told her he hadn’t hit me. And she told me “The body cant tell the difference between being hit and other forms of abuse. Abuse is abuse.” She went on to tell me that i was in stage 3 adrenal fatigue about 4 months away from complete adrenal failure. She said my body and organs were in danger of completely giving out. 

 

I left with that information and knew to keep it secret. I continued with therapy and found the courage to watch the videos on social media that touched on narcissism and abuse. I began to recognize my situation in those videos. Again, unless you have found yourself in this situation, its difficult to understand the following: but i tried to get him to see that he was possibly abusing me. I shared information i was learning. And in frustration, i called him a narcissist. That led him to begin also educating himself using the same videos. Ane he began to accuse me of being an abuser. He accused me of “re-writing history.” He was learning terms and gaslighting me to believe i was gaslighting him. This continued to jumble my brain and push me into a deeper state of confusion. 

 

Then came the day my brain had had enough. I remember that morning my words not matching my thoughts. I was having a difficult time remembering words and finding the ability to speak. I couldn’t swallow my own saliva which created scary moements that felt like i was suffocating. And then it felt like my whole world flipped upside down. It’s difficult to explain, but i couldn’t tell the difference between reality and hallucinations. It was a terrifying experience that required me to use all of the somatic techniques to keep me grounded and bring me back. He, too, appeared scared. He affirmed over and over again what a strong woman i am. He was desperate to bring me back. The next morning he made a social media post about how emotionally stable and intelligent i was. He promised to make changes as he never wanted to see me that way again. But when he would get angry, he began using that episode against me. And I continued to have moments where I struggled to find words and the ability to swallow and breathe. 

 

We began couples therapy. But in couples therapy i was the one who was clearly un-regulated. I came to couples therapy shaking and crying, pleading for help. He was calm and collected, saying he really just wanted to get me help. And our couples therapist believed him. He also joined a mens accountability group. And started seeing an individual therapist. He learned more terms and different ways to continue to manipulate me. And i believe his confidence to get away with all of it grew. 

​

The shift in his eyes before becoming abusive turned into intense stares of rage. One time before going camping he asked me if Gaby Petitos boyfriend reminded me of anyone, as he watched my reaction intensely. (Gaby Petito was a woman murdered by her boyfriend while camping) That weekend he verbally and mentally abused me for the first time at a Walgreens we stopped at on our way to the campground. That was the first time he ever mistreated me in public. And then we had an incredible camping trip, where he was loving and kind and made me question the reality of the terrifying question he asked me before our trip. 

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When I would talk about leaving the relationship, CH would treat me like I was disposable. He would say that it didn't matter, that he wouldn't damage the next girl, and that he would be okay with me leaving. But as became more serious about leaving, CH shifted his gears. He began telling me that it would be so hard because I would have my kids to keep me motivated to heal but he would have nobody. He began to tell me that he was having suicidal thoughts. This heightened my guilt and fear of abandoning him.  

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Desperate for clarity, I found a way to contact his previous long term partner. I wanted to know if she had gone through anything similar to me. Communicating with her felt like communicating with myself. She understood completely. And she shared that what finally got her to leave was that he hit her. 

​

Then came the day he did hit me, but again it was done in a very confusing way. I was deep asleep and was woken up by a painful punch to my leg. He whispered in my ear “do you like that?” and then he punched me again. Once again, i remained frozen in fear. Then he rolled over and fell asleep. In the morning, when i confronted me, he cried and appeared shocked. He said he didn’t remember this and he must have been dreaming. I believed him. 

 

The bed became a place i dreaded. It was the place where he would keep me awake arguing. It was where he squeezed me with all his strength. And it was where he punched me. My insomnia was at an all time high along with my severe anxiety. And i began to pee the bed.

​

My therapist helped me make a plan for moving. I began to secretly save money. I told CH i wanted to run the business alone. I was working about 100 sessions a month, and he was working about 15 a year. I registered myself as my own business. And began to disentangle our lives. This wasn’t easy. And he was very angry. And he also began to pressure me for a child. He wanted a baby so that the baby could love him unconditionally. He wanted a baby so that he could raise from birth. But I refused. This continued to anger him. 

 

My individual therapist kept me as sane as possible in my situation. She gently helped me create a plan. And with her help, I moved out after 3 years of severe and growing abuse in that household. But i moved out still trauma bonded, still not fully sure if it was abuse or him struggling wtih his mental health. I moved out still as a couple, with the intention of both of us getting help and hope of coming back to our home.

​

Summary

THE FINAL CHAPTER

After moving out, CH rented out the rooms of our home to make more money. His mood swings continued. Our couples therapist continued to be of no help, allowing him to take control of our sessions where i’d often find myself once again defending my love for him. Exhausted, i asked for 7 weeks of no contact. The plan was to meet 7 weeks later in couples therapy. During the 7 weeks, i experienced the withdrawal for the first time. Not having contact with him was excruciatingly painful. I often found myself screaming and crying into my pillow. It was difficult to eat and function. After 7 weeks of no contact, we reunited at couples therapy where he took full accountability, claimed significant insight to the root of his behaviors, had more words of emotional intelligence and psychology terms. But he claimed that I had hurt him with my response to his mistreatment. And he still really wanted to have a baby. I was pulled back in to proving myself. The next 6 months CH was charming, helpful, and loving again. Much like in the very beginning, he would have knee jerk reactions but he would then breathe through them and apologize. He helped me around my house. He wanted me to feel safe in my home, so he installed cameras all around it. He told me about everything he was learning in his mens accountability group and everything he was learning in therapy. He appeared to have made a significant amount of changes. He appeared to have a deeper understanding of himself. He appeared to be healing. He appeared to have support. He was better at communicating. He held space for me and my feelings. I was excited and hopeful. I was opening up to the idea of the possibility of actually having a baby with him. Of moving back in. Life felt so good all over again. I was so proud of him. I believed in him. His behavior was consistent for months. But then i got an unexpected phone call from his room mates. I was informed that he had sexually assaulted one of them, was spying on another through her window, and was showing very unstable and dangerous behaviors in the household. It was like a bag full or bricks came swinging at me and hit me in the face. We came together to exchange information and were all shocked by the web of lies he had spread amongst everyone. Just like he said when he met me, he had told one of the room mates that he was coming out of a complicated relationship, was clearing out his debt, figuring out what to do with his career, and was very into everything she was into. I realized i didn’t know this person at all, he was so much more dangerous then i had even imagined, and i had to make a last and final escape to safety before he showed up at my house.  I called the owner of the massage establishment to inform her since he was still working on vulnerable women there. She didnt believe me and went on to inform him about the phone call. He deleted his social media and blocked me on everything else. Friends and family came and in one weekends time i packed up the entirety of my house and moved myself and my children into a family members home. The women in his home and I came together to swiftly and safely get them all of out of the house. Police reports were filed to which everyone complied with the detectives interviews. I went through records to contact every single person he had ever previously worked on in my wellness center to inform them and check in to make sure they hadn't been hurt. Nothing ever came of the reports. He continues to walk free and work on vulnerable women.

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SKIP TO THE AFTERMATH: 

Detailed 
D
escription

After moving out, CH rented out the rooms of our home with the intention of saving money. I began to notice how even though i was now paying three times as much as what our 50/50 portion was on our expenses of the house, I had money left over. I never went into negative. And i began to wonder where our money was going for the years he was in charge of it. His mood swings continued. Our couples therapist continued to be of no help, allowing him to take control of our sessions where i’d often find myself once again defending my love for him. Exhausted, i asked for 7 weeks of no contact. I wanted 7 weeks where we fully focused on healing and 1 on 1 sessions with our individual therapists. The plan was to meet 7 weeks later in couples therapy. During the 7 weeks, i experienced the withdrawal for the first time. Not having contact with him was excruciatingly painful. I often found myself screaming and crying into my pillow. It was difficult to eat and function. I switched over to an individual therapist who specialized in emdr. And though it was difficult, by the end of the 7 weeks, EMDR had a significant impact on me. I went into the couples therapy thinking it was going to go one of two ways: Either he would show me no change and i would finally end the relationship forever, or he would show me significant change and we would begin to rebuild the relationship. But instead, that session was him taking full accountability, claiming significant change, with more words of emotional intelligence and psychology terms. But he claimed that I had hurt him with my response to his mistreatment. And he still really wanted to have a baby. And our couples therapy sessions were suddenly focused on me taking accountability for my responses to his abuse and on soothing him. and once again, i was pulled back in. 

 

The next 6 months CH was charming, helpful, and loving again. Much like in the very beginning, he would have knee jerk reactions but he would then breathe through them and apologize. He helped me around my house. He wanted me to feel safe in my home, so he installed cameras all around it. He told me about everything he was learning in his mens accountability group and everything he was learning in therapy. He appeared to have made a significant amount of changes. He appeared to have a deeper understanding of himself. He appeared to be healing. He appeared to have support. He was better at communicating. He held space for me and my feelings. I was excited and hopeful. I was opening up to the idea of the possibility of actually having a baby with him. Of moving back in. Life felt so good all over again. I was so proud of him. I believed in him. 

 

But then i got a phone call from his room mates. I was informed that he had sexually assaulted one of them, was spying on another room mate through her window, and was showing very unstable and dangerous behaviors in the household. It was like a bag full or bricks came swinging full speed at me and hit me in the face. We came together to exchange information and were all shocked by the web of lies he had spread amongst everyone and the degree of dangerous he was. Just like he said when he met me, he had just told one of the room mates that he was coming out of a complicated relationship, was clearing out his debt, figuring out what to do with his career, and was very into everything she was into. At this point CH had a key to my home, access to my cameras, and i was very afraid of how he would react to me knowing this information and no longer wanting to see him. I stalled by telling him i had the stomach flu and couldn’t talk. I called the owner of the massage establishment to inform her since he was still working on vulnerable women there. She didnt believe me and went on to inform him i had called her. He deleted his social media and blocked me on everything else. Friends and family came and in one weekends time i packed up the entirety of my house and moved myself and my children into a family members home. The women in his home and I came together to swiftly and safely get them all off out of the house. Police reports were filed to which everyone complied with the detectives interviews. I went through records to contact every single person he had ever previously worked on in my wellness center to inform them and check in to make sure they hadn't been hurt. Nothing ever came of the reports. He continues to walk free and work on vulnerable women.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

The Aftermath

The journey of healing is especially difficult at first. The pain is excruciating and unlike that of a normal relationship break up. You are experiencing withdrawals from the trauma bond addiction. A trauma bond is a real chemical dependency occurrence in the brain and the body. You will withdrawal like that of a drug addiction. Night sweats, tremors, grinding of the jaw, over all body pain are all normal. It will feel like you are dying. Eating may be difficult. There will be parts of you who think about going back, and shame for thinking about it. This is all just addiction withdrawals.

 

The grief is immense. There will be grieving of the life you thought you were building, of the person you were before you met them, of the years you lost, and of an invisible person that doesn't even exist. Like any cycle of grief, there will be moments of sadness, anger, and denial. It is normal to cycle through all of them. 

 

Forgiving yourself and finding the self compassion is painful and difficult. There is deep feelings of shame.

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You may struggle with guilt of abandoning them and question whether or not it was that bad. 

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Cognitive dissonance (when you feel two opposing feelings) will continue after you leave. Replaying the good moments, and replaying the bad moments. Did this really happen or am I crazy. Was it me or was it him. Rumination will continue. Repetitive dwelling and obsessive thoughts. Remembering things you had forgotten and trying to piece them together with your experience like a detective trying to solve a mystery. This is normal, because narcissistic abuse is not. Your brain is trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. 

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There will be a an immense exhaustion and need to rest. 

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PTSD flashbacks may intensify. And it is normal to recover memories of some of the most traumatic events in the relationship that your brain blocked out to protect you. This is painful and jarring.

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As you heal and recover healthy brain and body function and build positive community, this may also be triggering. To begin to notice the positive in your life may trigger you to remember how bad it once was. 

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With time and support, all of the above begins to lessen in intensity. I reached a place of indifference when I think of the abuser. I accepted that I will never FULLY understand because I have a healthy empathetic mind that can not relate to his behavior. And unless I was going to specialize in pathology of psychology, understanding his illness was no benefit to me. I began to create things to look forward to. Even the smallest way is a win: being able to close my eyes and breathe in peace, the appreciation of a healthy heartbeat, the ability to now be fully present with my children in a safe and supportive environment. I grieved the life I thought I had but I get to celebrate creating a new one. Rebuilding trust in myself took time. But with patience, tenderness,  a very mindful inner dialogue, and somatic practices it was possible. â€‹

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I was privileged with the amount of support that was given to me throughout my healing process. I am committed to giving back since I was given to. Beginning 2025, I am joining The California Partnership to End Domestic Violence, California’s recognized domestic violence coalition, representing over 1,000 advocates, organizations and allied groups. Working at the state and national levels for nearly 40 years, the Partnership has a long track record of successfully passing over 200 pieces of legislation addressing domestic violence. They will be providing me with training to become a certified domestic violence counselor. Every day they inspire, inform and connect all those concerned with this issue, because together we’re stronger. I will be joining them by providing somatic movement classes and therapeutic massage to domestic violence shelters in Southern California and Guatemala. 

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I have a greater appreciation for life, for the people in it, and for my health. I have peace. Healing is not linear and life may trigger grief or difficulty at any given moment, but I have learned to move through it with peace in my heart since I am safe. 

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If you find yourself struggling to leave an abusive relationship, the following resources are for you. Please give yourself permission to educate yourself on what abuse looks like. It is a painful realization, but as you learn the techniques they use against you, the techniques begin to lose their power. There is a potential for peace and rebuilding a life you enjoy on the other side. 

Resources

The therapist who helped me find my way out 

Dorie Richards 

Text or call: 909-573-3623

 

https://doctor-ramani.com has tons of content, and a very active online support group, videos, podcasts and books

 

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SHELTERS: 

 

-House of Ruth Pomona 

909-623-4364

 

-Safe family justice center riverside 

951-955-6100

 

-Mary’s Mercy center San Bernardino 

908-889-2558

 

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE:

1-800-799-7233

Or text begin to 88788

 

SUPPORT GROUPS:

 

-Doctor-ramani.com healing program has a very active online support group with weekly assignments and topics, monthly zoom, and a bunch of people from all over the world who get it 

-look up Mynara in groups on Facebook 

-daily zoom meetings (upcoming meeting with Dr Ramani herself) @narcabusesquad 

-discord support group: https://discord.gg/qUKjHW73 message @heathervive for more info 

 

EDUCATION CONTENT CREATORS: (many of whom also provide 1 on 1 sessions, support groups, and free workshops and guides)

@gracestuart26

@iammonicayearwood 

@letsgetyourshifttogether (has tons of free guides) 

@no_narcsense 

@_synful_ 

@claire_auden_ 

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PODCASTS:

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- Why She Stayed

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BOOKS:

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- Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

- Its Not You: Identifying and Healing From Narcissistic People by Ramani Durvasula

- Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD by Linda Hill

- Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas

 

ONLINE SUPPORT GROUPS IN SPANISH:

 

https://bombardeodeamor.com

 

https://www.soteldotherapy.com/es

 

Face book group: Grupo de Apoyo para Victimas de Psicopatas Narcisista (TPN) 

 

EDUCATION CONTENT CREATORS IN SPANISH:

@lalatinananana 

@victimas_de_narcisistas 

@mereces.amar

​© 2020 by Our Sacred Space

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